Since we've announced our nominees for FEMM's 11th Annual Nonprofit Awards for Excellence, citing 34 of the industry's finest, FEMM thought it might be interesting to name some not quite ready for any accolades. So if you are reading this at the University of Born Yesterday, Foundation for Confused Marsupials or Hospital of Medicare Fraud, you might want to check out this newly formed asset management firm, We Are Really Sorry Capital Asset Management (WARSCAM). The firm has multiple offices, some of which have limited visiting hours. Check out the all-star lineup.
* Bernie Madoff, ceo.
Every firm needs someone to set the tone and establish a culture. Bernie has agreed to be paid in cigarette cartons in lieu of cash. His ability to attend your investment committee meetings is limited, but he's hoping a bootleg Skype account purchased from a guy named Big Al will be operational in a few weeks.
* Michael Milken, head of fixed income.
The undisputed king of junk bonds is ready to get back in the game. Somewhere, a former savings and loan executive is crying.
* Ivan Boesky, head of equity.
No doubt merger arbitrage will be in fashion. Regulation FD, not so much.
* Nick Leeson, risk management chief.
Hedging with derivatives is an important function for any asset management operation, and Leeson has plenty of experience. As a bonus, he's offered to run the book completely unsupervised to cut back on wasteful overhead costs.
* Raj Rajaratnam, head of marketable alternatives.
Think of the insight he has. We hear he has great sources all over the place.
* Jeff Skilling, head of real assets.
He ran a high-profile Houston-based energy company, making him an excellent choice. He's also got some really creative accounting ideas to share with the firm.
* Rod Blagojevich, head of marketing.
The former Illinois governor can talk up a storm. This should be a lot easier than his last sales venture in the U.S. Senate.
* Bernie Ebbers, chief compliance officer.
Another one of the carton-in-lieu of cash boys, Ebbers has plenty of free time to make sure everything stays above board. Plus, he really wants to lavishly decorate his small pad.
For those of you wondering how these guys are licensed to buy, sell, or even look at securities from closer than 500 feet, relax. Just come to the first annual investor conference featuring entertainment provided by Charlie Sheen. He'll explain everything.